Saturday, July 6, 2013

Dressing Up To Attend a Wedding....WARNING: Do Not Try This At Home!!

Today I had a rather typical experience in preparing to get dressed to attend a wedding my husband performed this afternoon.  Yup, typical for me, unfortunately.  I would so like just once to be able to get ready to go somewhere without the kind of stress that always seems to happen. Read on and be grateful that your own attempts to dress up and go out somewhere fun are likely much easier as a rule than my performance:

It began earlier today when I awoke with horrendous back spasms that brought on a bit of a headache and left me wondering if I should perhaps refrain from attending the wedding at all.  I got dressed in some housework clothes after breakfast, hemmed and hawed about what to do, hemmed and hawed some more and finally decided to throw on a touch of makeup and head downtown for needed groceries, see how my back responded to carrying heavy bags and then decide about the wedding from there.  

I got as far as attempting to put on a bit of eyeliner, lost my grip on the tube and dropped it directly into the toilet beside the vanity.  Sigh.....okay, no make up to go downtown, no big deal and I would stop at the store and buy some new liner.  Long story short, I got the groceries and the eye liner and got a good stretch for my back out of the deal!  The headache lasted a bit longer though and I was still not convinced I should go.  

Finally, about a half hour before my husband had to leave for the wedding, I decided I wanted to go too badly to let an almost headache stop me and I started getting ready.

The first problem was the teensy weensy glass of prune juice I had treated myself to at breakfast. Prune juice is a rare treat because although I love prune juice, it does have some amazing powers of persuasion over my digestive system, and sure enough about the time I decided to go to the wedding and began scurrying around getting ready the prune juice kicked into high gear!  Sigh......well, I was able to emerge from the bathroom, still in my housecoat 1 minute before we had to drive off out of town.  My dear, understanding and now smirking husband gave me a 5 minute grace period to finish getting ready.  

I grabbed my new tube of eyeliner and prepared to put on a bit of makeup.  O no.......the entire tube had dried up before it ever left the store shelves....aaaack!!  So much for that idea! I was so desperate I even tried putting water onto the brush to see if I could coax at least the last remnants of colour out of it. No luck at all!!  I wanted to throw it into the same toilet the first tube had fallen into!  Sigh.........and no time really to do any other make up properly. I smeared a vague layer of greenish eye makeup over my eyelids as the colour was a perfect match for my outfit....not sure the eye shadow had originally been that shade of green, since the price sticker on the package showed a price of $4.99 and I KNOW that same pallette is nearly ten dollars now.  Sigh.....o well, no time to worry about it.  Liquid powder masque?? Blush?  Mascara?? Lipstick???  Forget it....no time....

I whipped my closet door open so quickly I nearly ripped it off the hinges, frantic to find my best dress pants and gorgeous matching blouse set. Tossed on the blouses and then tore the closet apart searching for my pants.  NO PANTS appeared in the pant section of my closet. NO PANTS appeared in the blouse section of my closet. NO PANTS appeared in the tee shirt, skirt or dress section of my closet.  I freaked out. Where in the heck were my pants?  From the corner of my eye I noticed a patch of navy blue fabric over on the ironing board...yup, my best dress pants, waiting to be ironed after this week's laundry.  Sigh.........no time to iron and my 5 minutes of grace was up....long past in fact.  I could hear my husband leaving the house to head out to the car.  The poor deluded man was assuming I would be out there with him, ready to go, in less than a minute.  

I ripped off the beloved blouse set and realized I had no other dress pants clean that I could wear.  Long pants had won over a dress when I was originally planning what to wear because I have a wicked set of spider bites on the back of each lower leg that I wanted to cover up in public, particularly a public composed mostly of the relatives of the bride and groom, all complete strangers to me.

Now, I know what you are thinking: Soobee, no one is looking at you. They are looking at the bride and the attendants dear one, not YOU!  Well, at most weddings you would be correct about that. BUT when my husband is the presiding priest at a wedding, that means I am the priest's wife and you can bet your sweet bippy that the bride and fancy schmancy attendants will be ooh'd and aah'd over only after the priest's wife has been inspected and then either approved  as being correctly attired and subsequently able to be ignored, or else written off as being too badly clad to be thought of again except as an item of gossip when the wedding is discussed over the following days.  

Anyway, back to my outfit. What was I going to wear??  No clean dress pants AND as it turned out no appropriate clean skirts either.  Sigh.........  Well, time to pull out the default "little black dress" then.  It wouldn't match the fancy green and cream scarf my husband bought me for my birthday with this wedding in mind, but if I paired it with a pair of green shoes the same shade as in the scarf, I could still get away  with it.  


Back to the dress section of the closet and.......hey....where the heck.....what the......there was no little black dress.  By now I was 10 minutes later than my grace period and my husband was heading back into the house after sitting in the car waiting for me.  I tore my closet apart and no dress. Where on earth could it be??  Suddenly I had a flash of memory that the last time I had seen it I was taking winter clothes out of the closet and putting them into some plastic storage bins. Maybe it had accidentally been packed away? I located the pile of bins and started pulling the lids off and rooting through the contents. Scarves, jackets, even winter flannels nightgowns went flying everywhere as I flung the clothes from the bins.  Finally, in the very bottom bin I found the dress!  It is a cheap polyester affair that I purchased several years ago so that I would always have some kind of dress to wear in a pinch....today was a definite pinch.  The one joy of polyester is that a dress can sit balled up and wedged into a bin for 2 months, then be shaken out with nary a wrinkle to appear, thus no ironing necessary.

Whew! Tossed the dress over my head then remembered I would need some kind of slip underneath it.  Grabbed the first one in the drawer, dragged it over my head, tossed the dress back on and then saw myself in the mirror.....wrong slip, as there are 2 fancy seams down the front sides of it that show through from under the dress. Sigh.......no time to change things again, so I grabbed the now mismatched scarf and tied it around my neck in such as way as to cover most of those seam marks.......mostly......except that to do that the scarf had to be tied in such a way that it looked like it had been tied by someone who doesn't know how to tie one.  Sigh...no time to take it off and start again.

Then I grabbed the shoes that I knew would pull the somewhat mismatched polyester dress/silk scarf look together.  A dark pair of pantyhose would fit inside them even with the orthotics I would have to pull from my sports shoes.  Ah yes, the dreaded panythose.....where were the pantyhose.......I discovered in short order that I have no pantyhose anywhere in this house and also that my orthotics were stuck inside the sports shoes, refusing to come out.  Sigh.........over to the shoe rack where I grabbed an elderly pair of open toed sandals that I can wear without orthotics for...hmmm, let's see........a good 5 to 10 minutes?  No time to worry about pain, or the fact that the black sandals have a red decoration on them instead of green like the scarf.  By this time my husband was back in the car waiting a bit less patiently than he had the first time around.

I caught a look at the back of my legs in the mirror and saw just how dreadful and ugly and red and obvious those spider bites are and freaked out again.  Since we would be insanely early for the wedding to give my husband time to set everything up for himself I decided to toss a little tube of covering make up into my new purse to use when we arrived at the church.  We would be there ahead of everyone and I would have time to complete not only the spider bite cover up, but also to brush out my hair and fix it up then.

On the way out of my room at last, heading to the car, I realized my watch strap was adding to the general chaos of mismatched colours and fabrics I was all ready wearing.  In my haste to take it off again, I tore the strap off the watch. Sigh......no time to deal with it.  Out to the car I hobbled as the time during which I could comfortably wear sandals with no orthotics was all ready up.

My husband drove approximately 30 km an hour over the speed limit, cutting our 45 minute drive down to 26 minutes, in order to get us to the church on time and give me a chance to complete my ablutions.  We DID get there ahead of everyone else. The one bathroom in the place was free for my use.  YAY! Maybe things were finally starting to come together.

On went the make up cover over the spider bites and then there was still time to do my  hair properly. Now, where was my hair brush??  Oh no........when I went to put the make up tube into my new purse I realized how much smaller it is inside than my old one and pulled my hairbrush out to slip in the make up tube, forgetting in my hurry to jam my brush back in again. So there I stood, my mismatched, sore footed self, gazing at the windblown frowsy mop of hair on my head and nary a brush with which to tame it.  Sigh.......no time to pop down to the pharmacy to get a new brush as people were starting to arrive and would be needing the washroom very soon.  As I fought the tears and continued to root fruitlessly through my purse seeking hair help, I did discover 2 old plastic hair combs.  I don't know how or when I put them into my purse. They are right out of the 1980's and wearing them makes me look like an aging wannbe Valley Girl, but I was able to rake them furiously through my hair disaster and tuck some hair back behind my ears with the combs holding it firmly in place. Whew..........sigh.........double sigh....out I came to fail every inspection by the other women that was to follow.  The saving grace is that almost all the women there, other than a small handful of understanding and forgiving church folk, are women from out of town who I will never see again in my lifetime.  I will be able to forget the scandalized looks and arched eyebrows of those women, or at least I will be able to forget who those eyebrows belong to!

The wedding and reception went by with nary an obvious glitch, I was able to hide out from the waist down by sitting behind all manner of tables at the ceremony and the reception.  From the waist up my clothes almost matched, my spider bites were hidden and the combs kept the mop of frizzy hair mostly behind my head.  

Even the chocolate cheesecake I spilled all over the front of my dress wasn't overly obvious because it hit my dress below the level of the table top and I was able to pull one end of my scarf over it completely when we left the building to return home!

Sigh.........

"I am so glad that Jesus loves me..........Jesus loves even me!"

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