Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I Must Still Struggle With Authority Figures

All my life I have struggled in dealing with people in authority over me.  In school I struggled with either extreme fear or extreme contempt for various teachers and principals.  I have experienced one type of stress or another under the leading or authority of pretty much everyone who has held such a position in my life, not really getting over that until I was in my fifties! Making the transfer emotionally from child to adult in the area of authority was difficult for me.

I thought I had it licked, but I had a dream last night that makes me wonder.  haha  My husband and I were in some kind of school dormitory.  We were the ages we are now and for some reason we were at the dorm to assist one of the college aged students in cleaning up her dorm room for the upcoming semester.  After we were done I went out into the hallway to await my husband while he and the student got into some kind of deep theological discussion...well now, that part of the dream was certainly based in reality. I am trying to imagine my husband NOT getting into some kind of deep theological discussion with a college aged student!!

Anyway, the time dragged on so I pulled a pen out of my purse and started doodling on a pair of rubber gloves I had worn while washing up the dorm room.  As I doodled, a man aged somewhere in his early thirties appeared.  He was some kind of floor dean and he was very upset with me for having doodled on my gloves.  He went into a rant about my childish behaviour and announced that I was setting a terrible example for the younger students.  What would the world come to if all the students in the dorm started doodling on their work gloves???  O my, he was upset, completely enraged.  He stomped off in a huff and I stood in the hallway completely stunned.

Then the anger began.  While I continued to wait for my husband I practised a deadly speech to rain down upon that mouthy, power hungry dorm dean.  I'd tell him a thing or two about how to address visitors to the dorm who were there to help out the students.  I'd let him know how a woman nearly aged sixty felt when treated like an erring five year old by someone young enough to be my son! I'd let him know that doodling on rubber work gloves was not a flagrant violation of any sort of school rule and that it was my own business if I doodled on my own gloves or not.  I'd let him know that I had the right to stand there and chew the fingers of those gloves of mine right off if I so desired!  I'd tell him this and I'd tell him that.....I'd straighten him out in no time flat!!

So of course the rest of my dream was about me running around the giant dormitory trying to find this authority hound.  As you can guess, I never did find him and when I woke up I was stressed, angry and very frustrated that I never got to deliver my speech to the one so deserving of my wrath.  It was quite bizarre.  I can count on four fingers the number of times I have awakened from a dream experiencing the same frustrations or upset my dream self had been experiencing.  It took me a few minutes to calm myself before getting up for breakfast.

Not sure where that dream came from.  I experienced my usual attack of nerves before my appointment with the dietician and the RN last week when I had my first check up on how taking my blood sugar counts was going.  I had some concern I may have done things incorrectly, just because I usually assume that until told otherwise, but I wasn't afraid of them or expecting any kind of weird confrontation.

So, I guess I need to carry on with my day and forget about the silly dream.  It has been cathartic writing it down, that is for sure.  I rarely remember my dreams and this one had me pretty wound up.  Aiiii yiiiii.....let's hope for much more peaceful, sweet dreaming during the coming night!

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