Saturday, February 15, 2014

Walk of Ages....AKA Aged!

The temperature came up to -12C an hour before lunch today, so since I had completed all the housework tasks I set for myself this week, I decided to take another walk downtown in case any more mail had come for the parish treasurers.

Staggering and slipping as my cane and I hobbled along over the icy snow mounds now covered with fresh flakes from morning flurries, I managed to get down there safely enough.  My plan was to get the mail, go to the pharmacy for some new cosmetics, pick up a photo frame at the dollar and more store and then treat myself to lunch out as a reward for a good week's work done, as well as a rest before slithering back home again on the wretchedly icy sidewalks.

Mail collected, cosmetics and photo frame purchased, I arrived at the restaurant to find it was closed.  Rats!  I go downtown so rarely on a Saturday that I had forgotten the only restaurant in the downtown has been unable to find sufficient serving staff to remain open on the weekends since the new year.  O well, a small disappointment.  A bacon, egg and tomato sandwich at home would be just as delicious and as much of a treat.

Disaster struck on the way home!  As I came to the first block out of downtown I felt, almost heard, the elastic in the waist band of my "undies" give a hideous snap.  3 steps further along the street and I could feel them starting to slide off my ample behind and head for the nether regions.  There was nowhere to go to haul them back up or strip them right off, so I decided it would be okay since the crotch in my jeans would keep them from landing down around my ankles.  I could handle a little discomfort for the rest of the walk.

I also had on an ankle length coat so no lumps nor bumps would be seen by passersby as the undies rolled themselves over on the slide down my thighs.  About the time I was breathing a sigh of relief, I came to another realization:  my jeans are made of corduroy and the lining of my winter coat is a detachable wool panel which had been clinging to the corduroy since I left home.  The corduroy and wool rubbing against each other had ever so slowly created a twist of fabric turning itself into rather uncomfortable feeling fabric blobs on the side of each leg near the bottom hem of my coat.  

The balled up lumps of fabric were now working together with the sliding undies. The longer I walked along the more the woolly lumps pulled on the pant legs.  By the time I walked another 2 blocks my jeans, now too big in the waist anyway with my recent weight loss, were beginning to follow the same path as the underwear.  O dear Lord......nearly 3 blocks yet to walk and everything under my coat from the waist down was threatening to fall down to my feet! I was torn between cussing out my coat for having a detachable panel lining that is too loose to prevent it from rubbing and adhering to my jeans, yet being  grateful that its length would prevent a clear view to onlookers of my predicament.

I tried hauling on the waistband of my jeans through my thick coat but all that did was to push them farther down.  Someone in a passing car slowed down and gave me a very odd look and I decided not to stop and try again to pull my jeans up in the middle of the street.

So, I jammed my thighs together as tightly as they would go, all the way to the knees and walked pigeon toed the rest of the way home.  The closer to home I got the icier the sidewalks became. It was a bit of a mental challenge to concentrate on using my cane and still keep my legs pressed together sufficiently to prevent any further falling of both pair of pants!

I was nearly crying with relief when I finally reached my own front door.  My underwear was in a tight roll around my knees by the time I got into the house and, I was humiliated to discover, so were my jeans.  The hem of my jeans was dragging along on the ground behind me, tearing the fabric and accumulating winter muck in the corduroy. Had that coat been any shorter....well.......I don't even want to think about that!!

I have learned a few valuable lessons today:
1. to check the waistband on all my undies
2. to not be so tight fisted...go and buy new underwear!
3. to stop taking long walks in jeans that are too big in the waist
4. to never again wear corduroy with a coat that has a removable, free hanging wool liner
5. to remember how cold my nearly bare butt was today so I don't forget to apply the first 4 lessons!!

My dear husband has been gone for 6 days.  Other than a few people I don't know at the post office and in the stores today, I have not seen or visited with so much as one person since he left.  Emails and the phone have sustained me, but as far as visits with anyone locally it just didn't happen. 

Before my husband begins strewing his belongings all over the house as he unpacks I am going to make him stop and look around at our wonderfully clean house, the vat of soup and the huge beef dinner I prepared for him, the paid bills, music lists and bulletins for church, so he knows I haven't been wasting my time here.

I don't know if I will tell him about my adventures of today or not.  Perhaps my wardrobe malfunction could be our little secret........



bullwinkle said...

I was going to comment on this, but
don't think I will now - things could
really "collapse" if I did. ;)

Susan said...

Yeah....yeah....hohoho! No need for comment, my blog said it all. haha