It took me a good two hours, but all the bottles and cans that have graced our basement over the past ten months have been sorted, bagged and boxed for recycling. Whew! Done for another few months! My husband will be no end of delighted when he gets home from the office. With a wind chill down around -40C his new parka will get a workout for testing its value in the warmth department. Considering what we paid for it, plus the distance my husband is walking to and from work this afternoon, it had better receive a passing grade!! He amazes me with his aversion to starting a car on such days being SO strong he would prefer to walk both ways in this temperature! Brrrrr.....not me. I vastly prefer spending a couple of minutes outside scraping windshields while the car warms than walking fifteen or twenty minutes twice in a day! My husband is a tough cookie! This is the Good Etcetera paragraph.
This Bad Etcetera paragraph concerns my mom. Sigh.... I called her a few minutes ago to see how she is faring. The answer is: not well. Dad was downstairs doing laundry so she didn't have him eavesdropping on the other phone for a change. Dad is a secret keeper about health issues. Mom is not. She told me exactly how dire the doctor believes her situation to be. Bottom line, unless the ultrasound tomorrow shows an unexpected blockage that is "fixable", my mom's decision to refuse dialysis means we may lose her very soon indeed. Her kidney is not cleaning her blood. Her ankles are retaining four pounds of water between them on a daily basis. I am so grateful she told me. Between dad and I, ONE of us has to not be in denial and I am pretty sure it will have to be me.
Rats.......I think my mom is gonna die.
Prayer is the only way I can handle any of this. Thank you Jesus for standing with my mom and giving her the amazing peace she has about leaving this earth if that is what is coming. I started crying during a song at church this morning, before I had even talked to mom. Wouldn't you know that crazy polka band would start playing that old tear jerker from the past: "I'll Fly Away"?!!? I always detested it when I was a kid, have tolerated as an adult, have been so grateful it is not an old hymn we sing in the Anglican Church, yet this morning there it was, right in my sobbing face. Sitting here writing about it and I am crying again.
Rats.......I am not the stoic my mother is....I don't mind telling Jesus how scared I am for mom and how much I am tempted to resent losing her first. I know it hasn't happened yet, I know it isn't a certainty as we don't have all the test results in, but in her heart my mother "knows". She has dad doing the laundry on his own, has arranged for the staff at their facility to ensure dad gets his meds and eye drops every day, she has him baking his favourite muffins in the toaster oven. This woman is prepared as she can be....it is unbelieveable. She amazes me.
So enough emotional indulgence for today. I will ask God to gird me with my mother's stoicism, while I wipe the tears off my cheeks and go prepare dinner!
Thank you for being there for my mom in prayer. Dad...I can't even think what fresh family hell we will all go through if he is left alone.....wow, Jesus we are going to need your assistance...