As you can tell from reading my blog posts over the past few months, I have been a real crab-cake on and off since before Christmas. I have been prickly, ticked off, miserable, nervous, depressed and downright angry over some pretty small things. Last night I decided to sit down long enough to figure out why.
It started late last autumn just after I came down with the first of that viral series. Around the end of last October people I barely knew or didn't know at all started asking me very piercing personal questions about my life and then didn't like my answers. I have been taken aback more than once in the months since by being made to feel like an idiot or a fraud or some old reprobate by people who don't at all know me, my life circumstances, my past and my spiritual realities. Maybe it was because I was ill for such a long time that I lost patience and perspective, but the general feeling of touchiness has stayed with me.
As I started to wonder why this has been happening and with such regularity, I happened to look over at my wall calendar and noticed how often my husband and I are booked to go out of town to give the Spiritual Fitness seminar, to mostly people we don't know, between now and the summer. Suddenly it hit me like a lightning bolt: if I am going to be giving presentations and telling stories about my own spiritual journey, I have to be prepared to be challenged, ignored, not believed and what have you. I have to be able to defend my position without feeling personally put upon.
God has been trying to prepare me for a change in my spiritual walk and I have been failing the prep test. You can't go around trying to help people become less offended by each other if you yourself have begun taking offense over the slightest issue!!
Aiiii yiiiii....I am a slow learner!! I completely missed what has been going on! Crazy!! I have been letting the little arrows stick to me and niggle at me, then trying to pull them out in disgust, instead of seeing them for what they really are...a helpful preparation for my presentations...and letting them glance off! I have not been wearing all of my "spiritual armor".
Duh!! I feel kind of stupid.
O well, live and learn, right? It is never too late to start repenting of silliness and getting on with what God is trying to accomplish.
So, I am officially putting Mrs. Crabby Cakes aside and starting to seek the Lord about what I am supposed to be learning prior to our next presentation. It has taken me long enough to catch on.