On the Outside Looking In

I have decided that no matter how much excellent counselling a person receives as an adult when trying to come to terms with past events, no matter how well it helps a person to move on and enjoy life, there are some feelings that simply refuse to leave, perhaps a touch of wounding that never competely heals.  I experienced one of those feelings last evening and have been ruminating on it for the past hour or so.

One of our church congregations put on a wonderful fundraiser last night.  There was fabulous shepherd's pie and salads and buns, a live band, dancing and singing along, a couple of wee cutie patooties to watch enjoying themselves on the dance floor, new friends to sit with for the evening, a great spirit of cameraderie between the folk of that church, visitors from the other church and community people my husband and I have never seen before.  My husband and I, two non-dancers if ever there were such a twosome, even danced a dance together much to the roaring, clapping delight of our parishioners...and the punch wasn't even spiked!!!  Our new friends brought their 3 month old baby along so he and I did a few turns around the dance floor....him with his teeny earplugs to protect his hearing from such loud instruments in the tiny hall. It was so much fun. It seems that on the prairies even entertainment is simple and plain and enjoyed heartily but with no big fuss.

And yet.......under all the fun and food and friends, was a pervading sense of being on the outside looking in.  I wasn't conscious of it every minute and it didn't ruin my evening, but it was there.  It is a lurking feeling that haunts me at some point during every group event I attend, any event, anywhere, any time.  I can be with the best friends I have ever had in my life, doing the most fun things I can imagine and suddenly that little niggling suspicion that I am not really part of the group will rear its ugly head.  Sometimes it is fleeting and gone within seconds and other times the suspicion stays with me and brings me to tears if I am tired enough.  Fortunately that is a rare occurrence.

I am thinking about it this morning and wondering if I will ever get over these feelings.  At what point will they go away?  Will they ever go away while I am still young enough to care about fun and friendship?  Will I just reach a point where I am so old and incompetent I don't have the ability to care any more about being an accepted part of a group?  Worse to contemplate: as I enter old age will these feelings be exacerbated instead of fading away??

It is rare that I spend much time analyzing myself or my own feelings. Usually it seems a self-indulgent luxury I can't afford the time or energy for and it drives me nuts when other people go on ad nauseum about their own self-analysis, but today I am indulging myself.  

It is most interesting to me that even during a time of attempting to analyze my own feelings I still feel like that outsider looking in on someone else's emotions.

Wierd......but interesting........veeeeeeery interesting.....okay, well, it is to me.......because it is all about me.  teehee

In other news:  I sat up into the early hours of this morning to watch the movie "Albert Nobbs"  I thoroughly enjoyed Glenn Close's performance. It is a strange little show but so incredibly well acted and filmed.  Janet McTeer's performance is also quite fabulous. Some people will not appreciate the subject matter I suppose, but I thought it was wonderfully done. I don't watch many movies but what fun to lose yourself in someone else's story for a couple of hours.  No, I don't merely watch a movie.  I am IN the movie!  As a result, watching a movie exhausts me. If I watch a movie in the evening I am guaranteed to sleep well.

My parents have decided they are ready after all for Meals on Wheels.  My innundation of their freezer with my own pre-prepared frozen meals has convinced them it is time.  The stress of having to plan and execute dinner every evening has lifted from them. A friend of theirs who delivers Meals on Wheels brought them a couple of meals to try and they were very pleased with those, so....another huge weight off my mind.  Now my parents will eat properly and sufficiently.  What a relief....no more sharing an apple for dinner because they are too tired to cook.

A parishioner survived well his open heart surgery yesterday....triple bypass and the man is only in his 50's.  FIVE major blockages around his heart.  Aiiii......yiiii.....we are so grateful he is doing well thus far.  Hopefully we can go to visit him next week and encourage him on his way to living on salads and chicken for the rest of his life.

In my frantic need suddenly to downsize I am delighted that my son is taking a set of dishes and silver off my hands and the daughter of a friend is taking another set.  YAY!!!  My husband has made a valiant start on cleaning out some of his own "stuff" from the garage and has given up a large box of books........willingly!!!!  It's a miracle.......

Downsizing has reminded me of the old saying, "Junk is the stuff you throw out and stuff is the junk you keep."

We are getting excited about December's episcopal election.  Candidates are coming forward and it is good.

Only 2 weeks until we are reunited with family in Kelowna for my husband's mother's funeral.

Still no snow.