A Small Conundrum

I have found myself lately wondering about my choir committment once our concert in January is over.  Since it is 3am and I am fully awake due to some hip discomfort, I have been mulling it over in my mind.

I so enjoy singing.  I enjoy the people there who are very friendly and easy to talk to during the breaks.  Our director is wonderful and the songs for the most part are appealing and fun to sing.

But I admit I am not content with it.  What is missing from the experience?  My heart is not in it the way it was for the first month or so and I don't know why for sure.

Is it because I had hopes that choir could be a place to meet some more retired women who would be interested in getting together for coffee occasionally, away from choir, thereby making some friends from this experience, but am realizing it isn't likely to happen?

Is it because my attention span has become so short that I am all ready bored with the steady committment of a choir?

Is it because the struggle of recovering from the hip surgery is wearing me out and I feel like I couldn't be bothered doing much of anything consistently until the pain and discomfort are over with?

Is it because God is preparing me all ready to move on to something else after the new year so there is no point in becoming too attached to the choir folk...either because I will be leaving or there is something negative about to occur with the choir itself?

Whenever I feel this kind of sinking feeling, a feeling that I am simply no longer attached to whatever group or activity I am participating in, almost a sorrowing inside for no obvious reason, it usually means my time of participation is coming to an end. It is the same feeling I have had in times past, previous to either having to unwillingly leave a job or a church for some unhappy reason, or when an unexpected move is about to happen, or else when someone we love is about to surprise us with news of their own departure.

O my...what next??  I hope I am wrong about my time with the choir ending on the one hand, but on the other hand, maybe something a bit more fulfilling is on the horizon.

I appreciate the way God seems to prepare me for changes, but while I am waiting to see what happens I would like to feel less sad and detached.

Just want to talk the situation over with myself here and see if writing down what I am feeling will bring any answers to my questions.

Time to go back to bed and see if a few more hours of sleep will refresh my mind sufficiently to make some sort of sense of these unexpected feelings that actually have been responsible for keeping me from a good sleep twice in the past week.  I would find this waking up in the night and obsessing about a community choir committment downright wierd if I hadn't gone through other times of struggle that seemed to be for no reason, only to have a reason appear at some point that made sense of my negative feelings.  

One thing I do know for certain is that whenever this sort of thing happens internally, it is a call to prayer. So, I will be praying about the choir as a whole, for the director and all the other singers, as well as for direction about my own place in the group.  Intercessory prayer callings are sometimes difficult to deal with, but actually praying is what lifts the burden.