Nearly Ready To Go....Almost a Week in Advance!

I've been buzzing around this morning getting my suitcase packed for next week's trip....nothing like being ready way too far in advance!  Despite it not being a real holiday, I am primed and ready to get out of here for a few days.  I am tired of the inside of this suite, tired of walking around the upper lake and dodging the ducks, pelicans, geese and their poo poo pidoo, the cyclists who sneak up silently behind me with no bicycle bells and then curse me for not moving out of their way quickly enough because I didn't hear them coming, the mosquitoes and wasps....it was all lovely for the first fifty walks, but now it is just another boring activity with little visual variety.  I am tired of walking downtown and to the post office and to the pharmacy and to the walk in clinic and everywhere else I have been able to walk since the snow melted back in April.  Boring, boring, boring......I blame the pandemic, because of the severe limitations it has put on everyone, me included.  I can still walk to many other places around town, but there are no unrestricted access businesses.  I can't go and gawp about in the clothing stores because of limited customer access, so it is best to leave those stores to the buying customers. I don't need any clothes for myself.  It wasn't a lot of fun shopping at Chapters Indigo because of the need to maintain social distancing, although I appreciate how careful the staff and other customers were about following the rules. I can't just wander over to my favourite coffee bars because either they have removed all the seating and become take out only for the time being, or are still closed completely. Grocery shopping has become a nightmare now that the Seniors Only shopping hours have been abandoned by so many of the stores and I dread the day it also ends at SaveOn foods, because it has been a true shopping haven for me all spring and summer.   

So, I am not complaining....truly, I actually, really, fer shur I am NOT, I am just not sure how to feel right now about this summer.  My husband didn't go into his holiday time with a plan to spend at least the week and a half required to complete a canoe repair, to the detriment of our plan to go on day trips around the area.  One of those trips would have been cancelled anyway as the place of business we needed to go to many hours drive from here has just closed completely due to an outbreak of the virus in that area.  Now we have to work in a trip to see my Mom while it is still possible before the next expected lockdown happens in both our provinces of residence.  It will be wonderful to see her, but again, not a holiday.  We are hoping to take her out of the city for a couple of hours to a lovely area closer to the mountains to give her a real break away from her still partial lockdown situation.  As long as we don't get out of the car and go into any businesses, she will be permitted to go. I checked that out this morning.  As long as my husband and I prepare the picnic lunch ourselves and the 3 of us eat  the meal out of doors, safely distanced, it will be allowed.  My mom really, really, really needs this to happen, so we are praying for good enough weather to make it work.  Once we return home I have a scheduled eye appointment, on a Sunday morning would you believe, that may open up the doors for a bunch more "emergency" eye tests (I've been down this road before and I see it coming) and then my husband's holidays will be nearly over.  Since he will be spending that week after we get home working on the canoe(s) again, any sort of holiday together will be at an end by the time he is done.  The basement chores we had scheduled to do together will not get done, the rest of the premove downsizing won't happen either, I have already accepted that....it is so difficult to have expectations, only to see them dashed by something unforseen. With my husband's health issues he can only do about 1/4 of the things in a day he used to be able to do, so spending this much time on canoe repairs will deplete his energy to do the other household chores with me, even if he has a few days free before he returns to work.  It doesn't make me mad, it doesn't even discourage me that much because after all these years of dealing with his CFS and my health issues that also seem to crop up just in time to ruin plans even if his health issues don't, I am very used to it.  I simply do not know how to feel about any of this.

In the midst of my confusion, good things are happening too!  I woke up this morning with a plan to ensure that all the staff at my mom's residence have the same information about our upcoming visit, that they all know where our visiting times have been recorded and that they have been approved by the administration.  Had that all finished by 8:30am when the Service Canada phone lines opened for the day.  Got my call accepted immediately and had an issue taken care of for both my husband and myself before he even woke up!!  YAY!  A happy visit has been arranged for me a couple of days from now when a dear friend comes over for a morning of fun chatter.  An old friend is calling tonight, someone we haven't talked to more than once in the past 30 years.  The delicious Indian food we ordered a couple of nights ago stretched into 6 complete meals and we finished it for lunch today.  YUM, YUM, and lots of reheating, NOT cooking fresh....nice for us both to have a cooking break.  We are both tired enough of our own abilities in the kitchen to be dreading cooking dinner every evening at this point.  

Mom has solved a couple of the problems herself that she thought she was going to have to leave for me to solve next week, so that frees up more time to just enjoy the time together. Wow, she is tracking down every detail of things that she needs clarification about, needs help with, needs to straighten out with scary places like the tax department!  SO PROUD OF HER!!  She has been faithfully doing her shoulder exercises ever since her fall out of bed several weeks ago and is seeing some improvement now in mobilty and pain relief.  SO PROUD OF HER. 

My determination to spend at least a month thinking only the best of Dad and making a deliberate decision to think only about the many good things about growing up as his daughter has left me able to think more recently about the many not so good things in our relationship and reach a point where none of it really matters any more.  Instead of feeling hurt or upset and angry, I can now view many of those issues and events, shake my head and wonder what he was thinking at the time.  I didn't know at the time, I don't know now, I never will and it no longer means much. Moving on.....thank you Lord.  I am grateful to have had the time to take to think about all those things, good and bad for the past couple of months and reach a point of much more emotional freedom.  I have some good memories, but I don't miss Dad being in my life at this point.  He too has moved on, to a far better place and situation with God.  I am genuinely happy about that, happy for him and enjoying my own freedom during whatever time I have left on this earth. When we see each other again in heaven it will be a joyous reunion: two new beings with all the old issues healed and gone!

The son is out on Long Island again for a couple of weeks between temporary jobs.  Once he returns it will be time to pack up his belongings for the temporary residence in Manhattan.  He was able to find and sign a lease on a nice art studio in Queens, only a 6 month lease, which may coincide nicely with how long he will be in the temporary suite. It is affordable, the first place he viewed and it will hold all his belongings that are not going into the temporary suite, as well as give him sufficient space in which to create paintings.  He said it seemed most providential. He is very excited to be able to live for a few months in a higher quality neighbourhood and not have to haul his belongings to the offered storage space on Long Island, only to have to turn around again a few months from now and haul it all back again to wherever his next rental turns out to be.

So, in spite of my wondering about how I should feel about our summer during the pandemic and particularly about our "holidays", I am pretty happy about all the good things that have been going on as well.  I am just bored...boredom makes me feel unsure about life in general...boredom is a bit foreign to me, so the odd time I experience it I am not sure what to do with it that's all.

Happy day everyone....the giant storm we were to have here this afternoon amounted to about 20 minutes of rolling thunder, a short lived downpour of rain mixed with a few small hailstones and now the sun is shining and it is very warm outside.  I can only pray that other towns in the area escaped with as little damage as we did here.