I have realized recently that I am losing my ability to just relax and have fun each day. Blaaaah....when and how did this happen??
I am wondering if I need to look into purchasing one of the special lamps that are supposed to be so help to those suffering from Seasonal Anxiety Disorder.
This has been, I now see as I look back, creeping up on me for the past few years during the winter months. Once that first snow and blast of cold weather arrives I find I don't want to do ANYTHING away from home. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to go to choir practise, I don't want to take the bus downtown for a hair appointment, I don't want to drive to the banks or the grocery stores to run needed errands, I don't want to have to bother making medical and dental appointments and then driving to across the city to get to them. I don't want to go out for dinner.
I do go out and do all those things, force myself if need be and once I have gotten into the car and headed out I feel just fine. I feel happy and even find myself, after completing whatever needed to be done, looking for reasons not to go home yet.
Perhaps I would have figured all this out a number of years ago, but for three of the past six years I have spent the winters recovering from broken bones and serious illnesses, circumstances that reduced my ability to get outside in the winter to almost nil, or at least to the fewest number of hours required.
Hmmmm.....I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I am not lying around the house lethargic; I am keeping up quite happily with my housework and with daily exercise after meals indoors on the days it is unsafe to walk outside. I am not lazy. I don't even have afternoon naps...ever! I have to be completely bedridden with 'flu' to spend any time lying down during the daylight hours. I feel cheery. I enjoy seeing and talking to friends and family.
So, I am wondering if in my old age I have simply developed a total aversion to winter, or if I need some help in dealing with this loss of motivation to leave home. Last night when I had to pick up a church friend to take to the concert with me, a friend whose house couldn't be much closer to me, or any easier to reach, I was in a panic about having to do that. Ridiculous! I found myself earlier in the week trying to invent some sort of actual reason why I couldn't go to the concert myself, but knew that was just silly and made myself pick up my friend and go. It was a wonderful evening and it was fun having a friend to visit with on the drive. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I am going to talk to my doctor when I see her the beginning of January. This kind of depression-like thinking has never once bothered me once the snow and ice melt off in the spring, but I am becoming more conscious of these winter woes.
Although it is quite lovely outside and the highways out of town are clean and clear, I have started struggling all ready, over 3 hours prior to departure, to talk myself into making the drive. If I do the driving myself on the way there I know I will enjoy it. My husband will happily do the drive home in the darkness as his night vision is much better than mine. If it snows or ices up I will not be on my own trying to get home again later this evening. I know I will have a ton of fun with our friends. I truly want to see them and spend this pre-Christmas visiting time together, but in the back of my mind I know it is going to be a bit of a struggle to get myself excited enough to stop thinking of reasons to excuse myself from going.
Am I that frightened of having a bit of fun? Am I that paranoid about the unexpected weather changes that can happen this time of year? I am thinking NO to the first question and POSSIBLY to the second question, but I shouldn't have to even keep asking the questions every time I need to go somewhere!
Interesting.....I am glad I can now see what is going on so I can continue to combat the problem. Winter weather based depression? Seasonal Anxiety Disorder? Hmmmmm....could be....
No comments:
Post a Comment